Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
