Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
