The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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