when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize