What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
