one two three fourrrrnication!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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