There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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