I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
