i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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