Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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