The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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