I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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