I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize