well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
