my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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