i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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