Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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