I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
