the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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