We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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