Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
