i may or may not be watching the land before time
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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