The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so let's talk penis.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize