I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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