I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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