Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
