Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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