Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize