I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
