i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
