i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize