i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
