I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize