Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
