Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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