I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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