I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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