Whod you bang
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
