come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
