sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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