I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This baby is an asshole
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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