So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
