We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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