I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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