I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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