I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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