i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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