Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
