The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
