Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
