hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize