i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Sorry my hands just texted you
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
