I wish I only lived at night.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
