My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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