Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
