Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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