If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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