wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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