I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
