i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
