I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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