I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
