Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
